Can you forgive someone yet still carry anger for them?
However, I convinced myself I could.
What I really did was turn the residual anger I subconsciously carry towards my father on someone else. I've come to the realization that while I may have forgiven my father for not being there, I haven't been able to get past the fact that to this day, he still won't acknowledge my existence. It's weird, really. I don't want a relationship with him but it still hurts that he is not sorry.
And I guess the hurt over that goes deeper than I thought. But it will be okay. I am now aware of it and being aware is the first step towards letting it go.
The second step is acknowledging that I let the hurt affect me and my actions.
I acknowledge that I still have a path I need to walk before I reach the point of being fully healed. And if I want my film to be painfully honest, real and organic, I am going to have to address this issue on camera.
I'm still having a hard time opening up and expressing my true feelings on camera because I've kept everything inside myself all these years. I'm hoping that acknowledging it here first will make actually talking about it easier.
I knew this was going to be the most difficult project of my career thus far, but DAMN!
Guess we will find out how my journey ends when I finish this documentary.
On a final note to parents, don't abandon your children. It fucks with their minds...