Friday, May 17, 2019

True Forgiveness...

Can you forgive someone yet still carry anger for them?


However, I convinced myself I could.

What I really did was turn the residual anger I subconsciously carry towards my father on someone else. I've come to the realization that while I may have forgiven my father for not being there, I haven't been able to get past the fact that to this day, he still won't acknowledge my existence. It's weird, really. I don't want a relationship with him but it still hurts that he is not sorry.

And I guess the hurt over that goes deeper than I thought. But it will be okay. I am now aware of it and being aware is the first step towards letting it go.

The second step is acknowledging that I let the hurt affect me and my actions.

I acknowledge that I still have a path I need to walk before I reach the point of being fully healed. And if I want my film to be painfully honest, real and organic, I am going to have to address this issue on camera.

I'm still having a hard time opening up and expressing my true feelings on camera because I've kept everything inside myself all these years. I'm hoping that acknowledging it here first will make actually talking about it easier.

I knew this was going to be the most difficult project of my career thus far, but DAMN!

Guess we will find out how my journey ends when I finish this documentary.

On a final note to parents, don't abandon your children. It fucks with their minds...

Thursday, February 28, 2019

My absent father

A year ago, I really didn't know if I would ever make it to the place I am today or if I would ever be able to write the letter below and actually mean it.

Yet here I am and I do. I mean every word.

To my absent father:

I forgive you. I forgive you for not being there. I forgive you for not wanting to be there and I forgive you for all the pain you caused me through the choices you made.

I may have never met you but we remain connected through negative emotions and it is time to sever that connection and set both of our souls free. I don't want anything from you and you owe me nothing. I absolve you of any karmic debt connected to me.

I thank you for two things -- for giving me life and for the creative talent I have been blessed with that obviously runs in your side of the family. I acknowledge that most of my talent came through you. However, nurturing that talent and always striving to use it for the betterment of humanity comes through me and the life lessons taught to me by my mother.

I never thought I would be able to say this, but I am thankful for you and how you treated me. That pain made me the person I am today and I am proud of who I am.